Why Celebrities Should Follow Me On Twitter…

It’s 2:40am EST and I’ve just gotten back to bed after was awoken by the sounds of my seven week old son’s whimpers from across the room. After just under four ounces of formula, a few pats on the back to produce a belch reassuring me that he is indeed my son, and a quick diaper change, he has returned to the comfy confines of the swing we purchased him and the awful midi-files of lullabyes that so easily put him to sleep, and equally as easy keep me up.

I took a quick glance at my email on my phone to see if there is anything I need to know before morning…or the next time those whimpers come calling. This quick glance yields a promising sign when I see the subject, “Twitter: Jason Whitlock has replied to one of your tweets.” Stop. the. presses.

Let’s do a quick catch-up. I’m a Jason Whitlock fan. I love his writing, though I don’t always agree with him. His columns are a must read and he’s a guy who “gets” twitter (@WhitlockJason). He has an excellent balance of humor, personal updates, and promoting his craft. I had mentioned him in a tweet a couple of days ago in response to him saying how he was a fan of Suzy Kolber (@SuzyKolber), and he was bummed that she only followed him for a few minutes. I implied to him that I was a fan of his and he needed to follow me before he could “unfollow” me and I could then know how he was feeling.

This little tweet of mine prompted one of my followers, Micheal Fearin (@FerretSoFly), to reach out to Jason with this tweet:

“It’s a cool thing when the comedians I love follow the sports writers I love. Now reciprocate it @WhitlockJason, follow @JoshSneed!”

Well played Mr. SoFly. Or may I call you “Ferret”?

I thought to myself, “How cool is this? Someone is providing themselves as a reference to get Jason Whitlock to follow me.” It was like Ferret was holding Middle-East Tweet Talks to bring two sides together, even though we’re not fighting and Jason has never heard of me.

To provide an update for this stalemate that no one but me knew existed, I tweeted the following before going to bed tonight:

“No love yet from @WhitlockJason. We’ll keep you posted with any developments.”

Here was Jason’s reply:

“@JoshSneed what’s the scoop? Not familiar with your work but willing to get up to speed”

Now you’re caught up. Now you know why I’m up at night praying these awful lullabies keep my son at bay and that the light and pitter-patter emanating from my keyboard don’t wake the wife next to me. I feel like Jerry Maguire who just had an epiphone and couldn’t wait to start letting it out. Yes…this is not a memo…it’s a mission statement.

So what is my mission statement? It’s my open letter to Jason Whitlock and all celebrities on why they should follow me on twitter (@JoshSneed). I want him to be my Rod Tidwell and this is my promise to show him the money. #Quan

Getting him up to speed won’t take long. My album “Unacceptable” will let him hear my stand-up. And I think he’d REALLY like the basketball video I was a part of:

I’m 34. I’m not old, but I have been on the road full time for 10 years. I left a job at Procter & Gamble that I had gone to school my entire life to get so that I could pursue a dream of making people laugh. I have worked hard and sacrificed relationships along the way and now have a fantastic wife, dog, nice home, and a brand new baby boy.

Thanks to club owners, other comedians, my manager, the fine folks at Comedy Central, and even the haters…I’ve been able to cross off a lot of benchmarks that I set for myself when I started doing comedy, some before that.

Open Mic night? Check.
Do it again after having a horrible set? Check.
Host a show? Check.
Become a middle act? Check.
Quit my day job and live off of comedy? Check.
Get into the Montreal Comedy Festival? Check.
Get on TV? Check.
Get a Comedy Central special? Check.
Become a headliner in “A” rooms? Check.
Perform for 2 people up to 10,000 people? Check.
Release an album on Comedy Central Records? Check.
Favorite Snack Mix? Chex. #seewhatididthere

It is with zero sarcasm that I tell you I’m grateful for everyone that follows me. On more than one occasion I’ve been the first person someone follows (and no it’s not a bot), and in a way that’s more flattering than if someone with a lot of fans follows me. The only problem is that when the prior follows me, no one is listening to them say, “This guy is funny, you’d like him.” I need people who have the ear of twitter turned in their direction to echo these sentiments. #reality

On a daily basis I read the tweets of Scott Van Pelt (@notthefakesvp), Michael Smith (@MrMichael_Smith), Alec Sulkin (@thesulk), and laugh out loud thinking, “I think they would like my comedy if they heard it.” #delusionsofgranduer

I try to obey the unwritten Twitter laws whenever possible.

1) Provide worthwhile content as much as you provide plugs for yourself.
2) Show creativity in your use of 140 characters. Don’t use multiple tweets for the same thought. That’s cheating.
3) Respond to those who praise you, and retweet (RT) those that deserve it whether they need your help or not. #Amen

Don’t get me wrong, I have some followers I’m proud of. Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) follows me. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t realize it and I know it’s only because my t-shirt company put out a Ben Roethlisberger shirt that said “Nose means nose” when his got broken…but she hasn’t clicked “Unfollow” yet. #operativewordisyet

Ok celebrities, here’s the list of why you should follow me:

1) I’m funny. I’ve paid my dues and I stand behind my body of work. I’m proud of my stand-up, my credits, my YouTube videos, my blogs, and my tweets. If you would like to hear my stand-up, I’ll send you a CD or iTunes link and you can decide for yourself if I’m your cup of tea or not.
2) I own a t-shirt company. If you like getting swag, check out LookAtMeShirts.com (@lookatmeshirts) and I’ll send you some. Celebs love the free stuff, and here you go.
3) I need the help. I have a kid now and priorities have changed. I want to spend more time with him and my wife and that would be easier if I was more famous. I don’t need a ton of money, just enough that I don’t have to be gone all of the time. So help me reach the masses when I post something you think is worthy of a RT.

Wouldn’t that be great? I could be like your little third world sponsored child. But instead, just keep that money that could buy your daily coffee and share me with your fans. You’ll periodically receive updates and watch my followers list grow and know that your kindness really is making a difference right here in the US of A. Think of my tweets as homeless children for which you’re providing shelter. #heartstrings

I need to wrap up because “Hush Little Baby” is about to wrap up and I’m going to be needed soon. I hope you’ve enjoyed this pitch, or at least parts of it. I hope you’ve decided to give me a chance to win your twitter love. If you have, great. If you’re in it for the free t-shirts, I understand the quid pro quo side of the business.

Thank you to Jason Whitlock for the inspiration to sit down and write this. If you’re the only follower I get out of it, then it was worth it. And even if that’s not the case either, it’s been a nice reminder that there are those out there who like what I do and want to see more of it. I hope I never lose sight of that. It’s something I can tell my son about the next time he wakes up. But then again…who’s he gonna tell? #squareone

UPDATE: Jason Whitlock subsequently followed me on Twitter, listened to my CD and enjoyed it (especially the part about farting on Jessica Simpson). He then had me as a guest on his podcast. You see guys…dreams really can come true.


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